Something Amazing

At temple
I pray
for something
amazing.
I think about
the men
I date.
They all
have children.
they have done
something
Amazing and
selfless.
I have not
done
that.
I have wandered
through this
world thinking
of others , yes.
but mostly
myself.
To have
a child makes
you amazing and
selfless.
So Maybe that's
why we do not
connect.
I have not
made that
sacrifice yet.
nor can I
at this age.
As I get up
feeling so
bad.
What have I
done?
I sell pants.
A failed marriage.
Bad.
The monk standing
at the door
bows to me.
Peace be with you
he says.
I will not
even look
him in the eyes.
Why should I?
Look at him.
He has done
something
Amazing.
Peace be with
you I say bowing,
not making eye
contact.
I walk away before
he can speak
to me.
You know..He starts
to speak.
Crap...I think.
Can I just
wallow in my
self pity?
I breath out and
turn around and
put on a fake
smile..Yes.
I reply..
He smiles.
come closer to
me he says.
I walk up the
stairs and leave
a space.
Yes..I respond.
come closer
he says.
I can not
get any closer
to you..I respond.
Oh yes you can.
he smiles.
What the hell?
I think.
Open your heart
he says.
simply open it.
I start to cry.
I can not.
Exactly..he says.
When you can
open your heart,
fearlessly,
selflessly,
effortlessly..
you will get
what you need.
he smiles and bows.
I simply can not.
I say.
I am trying.
I do not want
to get hurt.
I say crying.
If you have
not noticed
he says to
me , you are
already hurt.
so what do
you have to lose?
I just would
like do to
something
amazing..I say.
looking at my
feet.
come closer he
says.
come closer without
your footsteps.
come closer with
no words.
I look at him.
tears streaming
down my face.
Can I do this?
I breath for what
seems like hours
staring at him.
Am I open?
I think?
Am I doing this
right?
Am I a complete
idiot?
What are you
thinking about?
he asks..
Just words, rolling
along in my mind ,
I reply.
you are not there
yet, he says.
I empty my mind
and just
let my thoughts
go and for a
moment, I feel it.
and just as I try
to catch it...it is gone.
You had it?
did you not?
he asks.
Yes, for a moment.
You will find it
again....he smiles and
walks away.
What the hell?
I think and start to
walk to the parking
lot.
A man taking care of
the garden says to
me..You want to
do something
amazing?
he says smiling.
Crap..I think
did everyone hear my
cry of despair.
Yes, I say
with a sharp tone.
Well you just did,
he said.
What? I say.
I have been working
here for 16 years and
that monk that you
were just talking to
talks to no one.
He smiles and nods.
no words,
no nothing.
But every time
you are here,
he races to the front
of the temple
and waits.
And every time
he speaks to you.
every time.
And when you leave
he sits in the garden
and just smiles.
I stand there.
confused.
The gardener sees
the confusion on my face.
Honey,
Those monks normally
do not talk.
get it?
I thought they talked
to everyone?
I say, standing there.
He says, wiping the sweat
from his forehead.
They only speak if
they feel like they
need to be a tool.
to help.
I would say,
he says, that
him speaking
to you..
is
something
Amazing.
I walk away..
All I can say
to myself
is Wow.
That touched me.