Forgiveness

I went to temple
early this morning.
The frost was
on the grass and
it looked like
snow.
I have not been
for awhile.
I clutch my
prayer cushion
and in I go.
I feel sick today.
I feel a little
manic.
This vacation
was good,
but a lot
of stuff came
to the surface,
and it just
brought back
bad memories.
I put my prayer
cushion down.
I knelt down,
and when
I did...
i threw up.
All over the
floor
and me and
my cushion.
What happened?
I feel so sick.
One of the monks
quickly comes to me.
Not saying a word
moves me down
the hall.
I sit in the corner.
A couple of them
clean up my mess.
I feel so bad.
Barney comes
and sits
down next to me.
He says nothing.
we both sit
staring at the
wall in front
of us.
I start crying.
what a mess I
am , i think
to myself.
Get a grip..
I think to myself.
Barney takes
my hand.
It is one of the
few times
I think
he has ever touched
me.
As I cry
he whispers
to me,
I will take this pain
from you.
You can not handle
it any longer.
Let go, he says.
Let go. he repeats.
Who does this?
I say, crying
and moaning.
Who does this
to their own
child?
I cry and
gasp
for Air.
I can not
hold it any longer
I say.
Forgive , Barney says.
I look at him.
I look at him
and scream..
That is bulls$%t!
Forgive...Forgive!!!?
What is wrong
with you?
Forgive a Monster?
Forgive Evil?
I scream.
I know right from
wrong....
so did he..
I cry.
Barney, lets me
cry.
I throw up
one more time.
He holds my
head.
saying nothing.
I feel like exhaustion
has just taken over my body.
I can feel nothing.
hear anything.
If you want to
be free of this,
barney says...
Forgive.
I look at him,
my eyes to sore
to open.
How is that possible.
A lady walks by
in the hallway with
a baby in a stroller.
She is looking for
the bathroom.
She asks Barney to watch
him,
while she takes her other
child
in the bathroom.
The baby coos and smiles.
Barney looks at me.
Forgive him, he says
pointing at the baby.
For this is your father.
We all start out
at this place, he says.
The pain you
feel, the suffering
is the same your
father felt.
I was pissed.
I got up and walked
away.
I went inside the
temple and started
to pray.
Suffering, my ass.
I thought.
I had a image
in my head.
a image
of my father
crying.
Crying after
he beat me
so bad,
I could barley
move.
The blood was coming
out of my
nose and my
mouth.
the taste
was more than
i could stand.
It was almost
as if, he felt
it.
He lived it.
I am not
sure if
i have forgiveness
for him in my
heart.
All I can
do is try.
After I pray,
I stay and
scrub the floor.
Hoping nobody
saw my madness,
except for
Barney.