I am not ready

Life moves 

so fast

and at times

makes no

sense.

Today as I take 

my morning 

walk

I am numb.

My neighbor

who I walk

with from 

time

to time

is 

chatting

about

things

I really

do not

care

about.

I am trying

not to cry.

I have pushed

all my

feelings

down so 

deep

that if

I speak

it will

come

out.

Nobody wants

that.

My walking

buddy

talks

about

laundry

bills

and 

recipes.

I am crying

as we walk.

But responding

in time

with

her speak.

I use

quick

Phrases

like

exactly

yes

and

really?

after the

walk

I go to my

apartment

and shut

the

door.

I jump in

the shower

and I start 

to cry.

I 

cry 

about

lIfe.

What I want

what I will never have.

I crawl back into

bed

crying

and drifting

 off to sleep.

Can you feel me?

I am grieving 

for you

our life

and yes

our

love.

I feel

my body

winding

down.

I feel

you drifting

from

myself.

and I

do not want

to wake

up.

Yet

I 

do.

I 

wake up

feeling

empty.

But

yet I pretend.

I play

the part

of the

happy person,

I am not

ready

to quit 

you,

but 

you 

quit 

me and

I am lost.

Empty

and holding

on.

I am

not 

ready...

But

life is.