I miss being married.

I sit on

your couch

your

arms

around

me.

I miss

being

marrried.

Not

to him,

but a 

man.

Its 

funny

because

I have set

my life

up for

not

being

married

ever.

I have

a single

bed.

I moved my

mother

in with me

and I 

am

dating

a man

who has

never

been

married.

all this

to protect

me.

I am

protected.

there is

no way

i will

be getting

married

again.

But...

in my

soul,

I was made

to be

married.

I want

to take 

care

of a man.

Have one

in my

bed.

But

This is a recipe 

for heartbreak.

so I push it

deep down.

Maybe God

does not

want me to

be married.

I got

divorced and

now

I have sinned.

All I know is

sitting on

your couch

I would

love

to get

up and go

to our bed.

I would

love to

wake 

up with 

you,

 but instead

I get up

and put my coat

on.

You hold

me.

What is wrong?

You ask me.

I look in

your eyes

and respond

with the 

one

word

Nothing,

You kiss me

and off I go.

As I 

walk to my

car,

I cry.

softly.

I cry

because

for a woman

when you

get married

its where

you start

your story.

I am 

scared

I will never

start

my story

again.

Do it on 

my own?

I am

so scared.

It is unheard of.

To be single

and have

a story?

As I drive

away I pray

to God.

God I know

I will not

get married

again.

I pray to you,

Let me

start my

story,

without a man.

I know you

are mad

at me.

Disappointed.

But I too 

am disappointed.

Why make

me dependant on

another? 

I have always

done

things

my own way.

Why not let 

me?

I sit in traffic.

for hours

and I cry.

Wild horses 

by

The Rolling Stones

are playing

on the radio.

I finally

just

go to the

shoulder

and speed

by traffic.

I feel so free.

When I see 

lights

in my rear view

mirror 

I stop.

I am in trouble now.

The police

officer

gets out and

comes

to my

door.

I need

your license 

and registration. 

I get it

out and

give

it to him.

Are you ok

Ma'am?

he asks.

Yes I respond,

crying.

I miss being married.

He starts laughing.

Why?

Most people are

trying to get divorced.

I respond,

I need to start

my story.

He looks at me.

silence.

I am starting to

get a little nervous.

Can you please

get out 

of your car?

My legs start

shaking.

I get out

and lean

against the car.

The officer

was much younger

than me.

Christina?

He asks.

Yes I respond.

He takes a deep 

breath.

You are starting 

your story 

right now.

You can

start

with a ticket

or a warning.

Which do you 

want?

 I start

to laugh.

Serously?

I respond.

Yes.

he firmly says.

I will take

the warning.

He looks at 

me

and says

simply.

You 

are going the wrong

direction.

do you understand

what I am saying?

Yes.

I respond.

You will be ok

if you follow

your road.

Stay in your own

lane.

I shake my

head 

yes.

Be safe

Miss Firsching.

Thanks 

I reply.

The officer gives me

my Id back

and responds,

Be nice to

yourself.

I drive off

and 

say outloud.

Thanks for

the message God.