When you give it your all

Here I
am sitting
at a
table next
to a
fireplace.
We sat down
and the
meeting
began.
As the conversation
starts
I can feel
the words.
They are
not warm.
They are
not kind.
To the
waiter
it might
seem
like simple
conversation.
But Its not.
Its a read
between the
lines conversation.
We order
our food
and there
is awkward
silence.
More
conversation
and its clear
to me
that no
matter
what my responses
are,
they are
simply
not enough.
As I start
to think
of the past
and all
the hard work,
and tears
I have given
I realize
its not enough.
Not in this
place.
Not in this
time.
Not next
to this
fireplace.
As the waiter
places the
food
on the
table
its so hard
to eat
and not
to cry.
I will not
cry.
I fake my
way to
the end
of the meal.
I have
to hold
my feelings
for six
more hours.
The pain
is so numbing
to my heart
and soul.
I walked
quietly
to my car
and start
to let it out.
The tears
the dissapointment
the anger.
My sunglasses
hide my
pain.
I get in
my car and
open all the
windows.
As I get
on the highway
I roll down
my windows
and let the wind
float through
my car.
The fresh air
is all I listen
to the whole
way home.
How did I get
to this place?
This
moment?
I have always
been
honest
fair
and giving.
I hate to
ask that
question.
Its the one
that makes
us want to
feel sorry
for ourselves.
I have
no reason
to feel remorse.
I have
done nothing
wrong.
So I will
not ask
that stupid
question.
Instead
I drive
in the silence
letting
the wind
from the
highway
lift
my sadness
away.
It will be
a hard job.
My heart
is broken.
I get home
and sit.
I do not want
to go in the
house
because that
question will
be asked,
How was your
day?
I have no
strength
to reply.
I make
myself
get out
of the car.
And I
realize,
Sometimes
you can do
all the right
things.
You can
give your
all
and at the
end of
your journey
when its
the end,
Its the end.
It just hurts.
It hurts
when you give
it your all
and that
all is not
enough.
But the
one thing
I am sure
of is
me.
I will
be ok
because
I have one
thing left.
One thing
I did
not and
will not
give
you...
Me.
And Thank God
I did not.